Is Lesbian the new black? Aka Antie, Oppas vir jou NoenNoe

(Fok my ex gaan my vermoor!)

My ex girlfriend was vicious in every way. At the start of our six year long relationship we did little else than have sex.  Not any sex though, passionate, explosive, fantastic on the floor, in the car,  at the petrol station, in the kitchen type of sex.  Being older and more experienced, she taught me what I did not know was possible, and broke my virginity with her sexy long gel nails whilst laughing about the blood.  I was in the castle with the Queen of Hearts, and I had no Hatter to save me. In two months she chased me away seven times, had me pack and drive the 300 km home (with all my stuff and my two dogs). 

She usually got second thoughts as soon as I reached home,  and had me just drive back like a hypnotized little puppy dog. She had my clit on remote control!  As soon as I reached her front door, she was waiting much like the Billy Goat Grub under the bridge.  We rarely reached the bedroom and usually ended up making fantastic love on the carpet etc. 

When she was not horny,  I had to make the coffee, the bed, do the errands and even serve her friends.  But I was in love, irrationally, hopelessly, self-sacrificingly madly in love.  Somehow she got to the point of stopping to send me away, but we ended up having an addictive, stormy and abusive relationship (for the next six years).  She has now been away for three months and we still fight like bitches.

The very interesting new development however is that for the past month she has a new girlfriend.  Not any girlfriend.  A 54 year old WIDOWED, straight,  Angus Buchan fan, with fake nails, fake pearls and smudgy lipstick. After a lifetime of sexing a husband that died young, this woman decided to try women.  Not any woman.

I write this piece, not as any kind of catharsis but because I see a trend.  Is it just me or is the whole straight female world becoming bisexual?  Having a personal fetish for sexy bi women, frankly it suits me well.  But Antie, do you know what you are in for? I know after all these years it is very nice to get some intense attention, (especially from a kwazi-celebrity) but honestly, are you ready for what your NoeNoe is getting you into? Contrary to popular belief, dating a woman (especially that woman) is much more taxing than dating a man.  How much is one supposed to sacrifice in the name of a good shag? 

So I have these pictures in my head, imagining my ex having her fingers and mouth compete with that of Mr. Deceased.  Then I have Mr. Deceased watching from the clouds with huge shocked eyes, wondering why the fuck she didn’t do threesomes with him when he was alive (he would have LOVED it!).  Consequently I burst out laughing my ass off.

What is it that straight women love about lesbians?  It is time we realize that we are actually a very special species.  We love passionately, but intensely.  We appreciate the whole body, not only the hole down there.  We come more than once, and even after we are finished – we stay nice.  A man recently told me,  the longest time in a man`s  life is the time between the man cumming and the woman leaving the room.  We are not like that.  We love cuddling afterwards, kissing, rubbing, just loving.  We give them, what they wish they got from their husbands.  We obsess over them, like they dreamed about a man will do when they were teens. We are all but a penis short from every homemakers`  American Dream. Perhaps this is why I meet more and more bisexual women, but not more bisexual men. 

This may be why the Antie`s NoeNoe is leading her into the comfortable intense temptation of my ex, the queen of wild, wet, and ambivalent sex but inevitable emotional destruction?  

 Many women confuse sex, and especially intimate loving lesbian sex with a little kitten`s experience of consolation.  Secretion of Oxytocin after orgasms causes us to bond with the one that made us cum.  Strangely the Oxytocin was meant for mommies bonding with babies and the stimulation of breast milk after giving birth.  Perhaps its natures` joke it on women making us believe that whoever just made us cum will be a good daddy and husband.  Oops!  Mistake. I turned out to learn that it is indeed two completely different issues.   This may be why I kept driving back for more, more of the bonding, licking and consolation from a partner that did not mean it like that. The goddess turned out to be a partner that merely wanted personal gratification, the fulfillment of her needs and that scary word SPACE. 

So, now she`s got the anties clit on remote control, and the antie is coming back for more.  For now. Until the shattering realization that there is nothing real about the emotions a post orgasmic hormonal rush causes.  How do we protect ourselves from inevitable popping of the bubble?  The answer is don’t get into it! 

It`s easy.  Scrutinize your woman, especially if you are bi.   Think about her behavior, don’t just feel.  Feelings are not facts. Know her well before you cum with her and fall into the Oxytocin trap.  This way you can ecstatically fall down the rabbit hole into Under land and still see the world in perspective.  Yes Alice, it’s a dream but the Jabberwocky is very very real – even in Wonderland.

Antie, jy moes versigtiger gewees het vir daai NoeNoe jong!  You are heading straight for the castle of the Queen of Hearts (and fabulous as it may be).  She has a gigantic head, and a guillotine….

Loving Down under: Should the Queen of hearts shave?

I once read in the Vagina Monologues:  “You cannot love a vagina unless you love hair.”  I could not help but smile, thinking: thank heavens I don’t need to do those embarrassing waxes,  pimply shaving or chemical Veet burns any longer.  I thought, of course any lesbian would love vagina, so they would love it like it came.  Wrapped in a little blanket of pubic fur!  I was lucky that my only two long term girlfriends truly did like vagina, hair included.  Then, one day chatting to another couple, I realized that once again i`ve been the mad hatter in fools` paradise.  All lesbians truly did not love hair, in fact all lesbians did not even love vagina!

Being a huge fan of going down under, I find it hard to understand how anyone could not just adore Vagina.  Much less think about the fact that one of my most hardcore lesbian friends don`t even like visiting down under! (When I mean visit, I mean she at least deserves a proper hello and goodbye kiss!)   In fact, my friend would much rather venture down the rabbit hole  riding the plastic strap on, than personally getting to know the Queen of hearts!   Now, don’t  that just take the L out of Lesbian?

So what is it about Vagina that I love, and where does hair feature in this equation?  Perhaps it is the beautiful subtle reactivity of the vagina that entices me.  It`s not crude and in your face like a penis.  But still ever so reactive! A happy vagina is a puffy warm little wet thing.  Every vagina has her own smell, taste and she is truly a communicative entity.  Little locked dry lips, just says it all don’t it?  In fact, you don’t need to have a very communicative partner if you can speak the language down under! The facts are, vaginas don’t lie – not even the vaginas who`s host brain is in denial.  If she loves it, she shows it!   If you look and feel carefully, she makes it very clear what it is she likes and what you should rather stop doing.  Perhaps this is the most important reason one should love visiting down under.  In order to communicate and get to know the Queen of hearts!  No words can tell what your partner enjoys better than the reaction of her vagina, a satisfying sex life definitely includes getting to know the language down under!  Honey, could our next fight be naked in the 69 position pretty please?

I read once that the original ape man`s  purpose of pubic and armpit hair in adults was to signal maturity to possible sexual partners.  Instinctively thus: no hair  equals  underage,  keep off!  The article also explained that pubic and armpit hairs help to convey pheromones to possible sexual partners.  So, much less smoke signals without pubes darlings! The conclusion is that traditionally a woman without pubic hair or pheromone signals is indeed a little girl! It goes a long way to explain why some men demand their women shaved.  

There`s few things as sexy as a quick feel down under in an inpropriate setting (like the elevator!).  Without the luxury of the wonderful lingering smell on your fingers afterwards (a little private entertainment when standing in the cue at the bank), the whole episode just seems to way too short. It’s the kind of thing I prefer to rember as long as possible!   Now,  I suspect that without the smell preserving capacity of the pubes the smell just would not have lingered long enough!  All hail to the pubes!

So ladies, keep it short enough to avoid ponytails but in the end, I agree with Eve, you can never love the Queen of hearts if you don’t love her beard as well!