Is Lesbian the new black? Aka Antie, Oppas vir jou NoenNoe

(Fok my ex gaan my vermoor!)

My ex girlfriend was vicious in every way. At the start of our six year long relationship we did little else than have sex.  Not any sex though, passionate, explosive, fantastic on the floor, in the car,  at the petrol station, in the kitchen type of sex.  Being older and more experienced, she taught me what I did not know was possible, and broke my virginity with her sexy long gel nails whilst laughing about the blood.  I was in the castle with the Queen of Hearts, and I had no Hatter to save me. In two months she chased me away seven times, had me pack and drive the 300 km home (with all my stuff and my two dogs). 

She usually got second thoughts as soon as I reached home,  and had me just drive back like a hypnotized little puppy dog. She had my clit on remote control!  As soon as I reached her front door, she was waiting much like the Billy Goat Grub under the bridge.  We rarely reached the bedroom and usually ended up making fantastic love on the carpet etc. 

When she was not horny,  I had to make the coffee, the bed, do the errands and even serve her friends.  But I was in love, irrationally, hopelessly, self-sacrificingly madly in love.  Somehow she got to the point of stopping to send me away, but we ended up having an addictive, stormy and abusive relationship (for the next six years).  She has now been away for three months and we still fight like bitches.

The very interesting new development however is that for the past month she has a new girlfriend.  Not any girlfriend.  A 54 year old WIDOWED, straight,  Angus Buchan fan, with fake nails, fake pearls and smudgy lipstick. After a lifetime of sexing a husband that died young, this woman decided to try women.  Not any woman.

I write this piece, not as any kind of catharsis but because I see a trend.  Is it just me or is the whole straight female world becoming bisexual?  Having a personal fetish for sexy bi women, frankly it suits me well.  But Antie, do you know what you are in for? I know after all these years it is very nice to get some intense attention, (especially from a kwazi-celebrity) but honestly, are you ready for what your NoeNoe is getting you into? Contrary to popular belief, dating a woman (especially that woman) is much more taxing than dating a man.  How much is one supposed to sacrifice in the name of a good shag? 

So I have these pictures in my head, imagining my ex having her fingers and mouth compete with that of Mr. Deceased.  Then I have Mr. Deceased watching from the clouds with huge shocked eyes, wondering why the fuck she didn’t do threesomes with him when he was alive (he would have LOVED it!).  Consequently I burst out laughing my ass off.

What is it that straight women love about lesbians?  It is time we realize that we are actually a very special species.  We love passionately, but intensely.  We appreciate the whole body, not only the hole down there.  We come more than once, and even after we are finished – we stay nice.  A man recently told me,  the longest time in a man`s  life is the time between the man cumming and the woman leaving the room.  We are not like that.  We love cuddling afterwards, kissing, rubbing, just loving.  We give them, what they wish they got from their husbands.  We obsess over them, like they dreamed about a man will do when they were teens. We are all but a penis short from every homemakers`  American Dream. Perhaps this is why I meet more and more bisexual women, but not more bisexual men. 

This may be why the Antie`s NoeNoe is leading her into the comfortable intense temptation of my ex, the queen of wild, wet, and ambivalent sex but inevitable emotional destruction?  

 Many women confuse sex, and especially intimate loving lesbian sex with a little kitten`s experience of consolation.  Secretion of Oxytocin after orgasms causes us to bond with the one that made us cum.  Strangely the Oxytocin was meant for mommies bonding with babies and the stimulation of breast milk after giving birth.  Perhaps its natures` joke it on women making us believe that whoever just made us cum will be a good daddy and husband.  Oops!  Mistake. I turned out to learn that it is indeed two completely different issues.   This may be why I kept driving back for more, more of the bonding, licking and consolation from a partner that did not mean it like that. The goddess turned out to be a partner that merely wanted personal gratification, the fulfillment of her needs and that scary word SPACE. 

So, now she`s got the anties clit on remote control, and the antie is coming back for more.  For now. Until the shattering realization that there is nothing real about the emotions a post orgasmic hormonal rush causes.  How do we protect ourselves from inevitable popping of the bubble?  The answer is don’t get into it! 

It`s easy.  Scrutinize your woman, especially if you are bi.   Think about her behavior, don’t just feel.  Feelings are not facts. Know her well before you cum with her and fall into the Oxytocin trap.  This way you can ecstatically fall down the rabbit hole into Under land and still see the world in perspective.  Yes Alice, it’s a dream but the Jabberwocky is very very real – even in Wonderland.

Antie, jy moes versigtiger gewees het vir daai NoeNoe jong!  You are heading straight for the castle of the Queen of Hearts (and fabulous as it may be).  She has a gigantic head, and a guillotine….