My mom regularly says: “she is so deep in the closet they will need a torch to find her”. For years now I have imagined a Narnia like situation. The closet doors lead to this lesbian Utopia where all women are hot, hungry and waiting. Just when I decide to indulge in a sea of sexiness I see my mom with her wild fiery red hair and my fathers` enormous black torch rushing in behind me. She chases me out with a sordid looking pink slipper repeating something obscene. (My mother has always been a bit of a white rabbit.)
Getting out of the closet (or being caught in there with your pants down) is however not a lighthearted matter for us gay folks. What we rarely realize, is that we spend our lives repeatedly coming out of the closet and the sooner we find a way to deal with it, the happier we will be. The first big step is usually our family. Without doubt however, we repeatedly find ourselves in other situations where we need to explain our circumstances. To some of us it can be a mere irritation, but to others it can make us shy, socially anxious, self conscious and plainly embarrassed. The easiest way to relieve this pain is to alter our thinking.
So you start out at a new job, your colleague wants to know where your husband works. Eventually after uncomfortably ducking questions people stop asking questions, but start whispering to each other. The truth is: they are slightly fascinated by people different from themselves. The standard lesbian reaction would be to feel belittled, embarrassed, exposed, and dirty and inevitably denying oneself the pleasure of relaxed social interaction at the office. Frankly, this is not a healthy way to deal with it at all! Too many lesbians are only friends with other lesbians and never allow a straight soul close to them. Many times, this seems to be the reason. So – how do we deal with questions in a social situation differently?
Plainly: You look the old lady in the eye, and say: “I don`t have a husband dear, I have a beautiful girlfriend who works at the hospital”. Trust me; you will not be the one who is embarrassed. To be able to do this you need to realize a few things.
Firstly, you should know that it`s up to me and you to teach society to stop assuming that heterosexuality (or marriage) is the only norm. The quicker we teach the world that being gay is just a normal variable (much like eye colour) the better for ourselves. By the way, lots of hetero couples just co-habit so the Tannie should learn to ask: “where does your partner work?” After all, we do live in the most liberal democracy in the world, and people should start acting the part.
Secondly, we owe it to ourselves to stop being shy about something that is not shameful. It is not the old lady that is making you ashamed – it is yourself. Reacting to it like it is an embarrassment teaches ignorant people that it is something to be embarrassed about. Teach them the truth. Truth, being that women loving women is a beautiful, sensual and sacred sexuality. We are intimate, loving, supportive and intense beings. A relationship between women is usually something with lots of integrity and emotional bonding. The perception you create by being shy, is that there are actually something to be shy about.
Thirdly, we should realize that heterosexual relationships are not superior to homosexual relationships. Chances are that in her marriage the tannie has experienced, verbal- or physical violence, emotional absence, loneliness, infidelity, substance abuse etc. She does not go around feeling shy that she has a husband, even if her marriage is hard to sustain and filled with issues that she would never want to reveal to the world. All human relationships is fallible, neither yours, nor hers will be perfect, so stop feeling inferior, you should probably count your blessings (at least you have bloody closet to hide in!)
Most people are bisexual. Yes, she may not admit it to you (yet), but it is a scientific fact that sexuality ranges on a scale from 1 to 6. It changes as circumstances changes, and chances are that both the tannie and/or a close loved one has thought about or experienced kinkiness with someone of the same sex. If you deal with the revelations in the right way – you will be surprised how quickly your colleagues will share their experiences
.
So next time she asks about your husband, smile nicely, think of that wonderful lesbian Utopia (that you would not swop for the tannie`s hubby) – and get some pride in your bones! Trust me, in future she will use that torch to peek over the cubicle wall into your exotic cuntry. Don`t forget to note the blink of envy in her eyes. Not everyone is so gutsy about what they need as you turned out to be.
Whether you go down the rabbit hole to Under land, or through the wardrobe into a world of lesbian love, don`t let the witch catch you with your pants down, but proudly parade them all over ((even if they were bought at Markhams))! Finally, remember to turn on the light so they don`t need the torch to envy you when they peek!
Proudly Lesbian Kisses
Darefairy
