The Vanishing of the Cheshire Cat, and why lingering isn`t supposed to be comforting.

"Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to

Alice: I don't much care where.

The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.

Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.

The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough."




The Cat, proudly professes, that it doesn`t get involved in politics. Yes, even when the Red Queen is about to chop the Hatters' head, and the Jabberwockie  runs just short of combusting Alice.  Strangely, it does appear when Alice are wounded by the Bandersnatch, quickly heals the wound and takes off.  Ever known a Cheshire Cat? Eternally present/unpresent comes and goes as pleases, verbalizes commitment - but then, grins and dissappears.  I once knew a Cheshire cat...



The Cheshire Cat manifests as a  quiet lingering ex from long ago who always left before she could hurt you,  until you realized;  the only reason she doesn`t hurt, is because she not real like your other lovers.  Its easy to be loved,  when showing up for a major event, playing hero*grinning * and rushing off.  Its a non commital freedom to them,  a verbalization of love and support with very little to substantiate it.  To us,  its a mere comforting thought of somoene who's commitment has been but a figment of our imaginations.  



Yes, realizing its was an illusion can be essentially as devestating,  as looking into the Grinning Puss`s face with love and longing, when waking up, realizing - OH SHIT,  I never knew you at all.  



Moral of the story:  When someone loves, they love like the way the Hatter would fight for Alice,  staying behind her all the way, risking his life to keep her safe and even landing in jail to protect her.  Its about positive visible commitment and proof that would hold up in court. Love is never a non committal grin, when you are begging for mercy,  or a simple inconsiderate vanishing as soon as the situation gets a little tough.  When the going gets tough the Cheshire cat gets going - to wherever she goes.... 



I had a cat like that.  I loved her.  she loved my hat... Thats about it.  After 10 years,  I looked up into the sky, and saw her face... - I suddenly knew, I don`t know this person. I don`t know her pretence, her lies and insencerity,  and I was a naive fool. Shit! I fell, over and over again.  With broken legs and serious bruises to my heart they were there.  The real, non vanishing entities.  Tweedeldee and Tweedeledum,  the dearest Absalom and her wisdom,  the Vorpal sword of love,  and my beloved Alice.  Without them I would probably not have survive the shock of  realizing, that the Cat that used to be my companion,  had vanished into thin air.... in time, became a mere figment of my vivid imagination.  



Isn`t it true, the some of us are in relationships like this... as time progresses, we lose them,  like steam, slowly evaporating, leaving an empty pond.... One day we wake up realizing - for a long time now,  this relationship, has been a mere figment of our imagination.  The cat doesn`t heal the wounds anymore,  it just doesnt show up.... It leaves a void that becomes part of us - so slowly, that we believe it to be normal.  



Beware of this.  Women need abundant committed loud loving.  We need to be held at night and kissed with a fiery hunger.  We need women who will fuck us into oblivion and then hold us like the world is about to end.  My dear fellow lesbians,  beware of the Cheshire cats in our lives - time doesnt sleep - don`t grow old lonely withou realizing it.... 



For ten years I held on to the idea of my Cheshire cat, ever vanishing, I kept believing.  When the day came to weather the storm without her,  the reality broke softly.... Like the waves at False bay... I expected a thunderstorm,  and then  realized this is no longer a earth shattering loss... Ive been in this soft waves for a while, used to the non-committal absence.  I`m just processing the reality of knowing, the grin and the eyes, has never had the meaning I attached to it.   Bantry bay will never be at Simonstown, no matter how I hoped it to be.   She has been gone much longer than her body, or the smell of smoke in her bedroom.  I don`t even miss her much. I thought the invisibilty meant ,that she was always there lingering.  I was wrong.  It meant she was always missing...



Go well, Cheshire cat of my imagination.  I love what we once had.  May you be spared the lingering emptiness you brought upon me. I will soar.  Grounded. Without you.  



...and sorry, I`m keeping my hat.    




NO kisses.

Darefaiy.