We love stereotyping ourselves, putting ourselves in little boxes and making check marks. As I believe “Alice, Through the looking Glass” also called “Alice in Wonderland” to be almost as encompassing a book on life as some other very thick books I have decided to embark upon some Underland Stereotyping. Think of it as you do of Astrology – eg. My girlfriend is a typical Jabberwocky
*chuckle* *hide*
The White Queen
The White Queen very strange. Everybody wants to be her friend. The fools! She is a Strangely aloof beauty that radiates good intentions and exterior calmness. She tries her best to act helpless and benign. However, many a times she is actually deeply manipulating and tends to over utilize her "little girl demeanor" in order to get what she wants without lifting a finger. It is hard to truly connect with the White Queen, it may in fact (except for her beauty) be one of the reasons everyone wants to be with her. It is like obtaining the unobtainable, the ultimate goal. Despite all her attempts to appear warm hearted she might as well have been the Ice Queen in bed. Plainly, she is generally passionless and works very hard to pretend that the right Hatter on horseback will make her cum over and over again. However, I don`t believe this to be the case. If you are one of the 600 creatures chasing after her, praying to please her into power, remember with your best efforts, you might get her into bed but if you can make her scream you reign supreme.
The Mad Hatter
The Mad Hatter tries to be the undercover hero of the Underland, and exhausts herself to play the part. She is an unfocused, eccentric woman that can be very naïve. She believes that the Jabberwocky will be slayed no matter how dark the situation seems to be – she is in for a huge surprise! She overdoes everything. Sticking with the Hatter can be a wild and wonderful adventure, if you have the ovaries to endure (or ignore) the consequences. The Hatter is a weirdly loyal and strangely obsessive person. If you have the Hatters` heart, you will know it. She is a disturbingly explicit being. She would have you blushing in a whiffy, but when it is time for action she prefers Alice to take the first step. If you like silence the Hatter will drive you crazy, if you are going to visit the Hatter bring your earmuffs (and perhaps sunglasses). The Hatter loves her tea, with whisky that is. Beneath the extravagance she is actually brittle. She would rather save Alice (or the whole Underland) than herself. People tend to think that the Hatter is self-sustaining, but in fact she needs and loves her crazy tea party friends much more than anyone would believe. Sex with the Hatter is unforgettable, if you manage to get that far! She won`t take the first step unless she knows you want her. One thing is certain, the Hatter cannot fake it. Once intimacy has started, you will be in for a magical time. If you are looking for a one night stand, steer clear – it`s hard to erase or replace the “Hatter Intensity”.
Alice Kingsley
Alice is a well-intended, misunderstood, fierce leader who appears from nowhere to save the world. She is frequently underestimated, but also underestimates herself. Alice has much more muchness than she realizes. She is a woman of exceptional beauty, wit and guts. Life frequently catches Alice off-guard as she tends to be unsure of what is real, and what is a part of her fabulous imagination. She finds it hard to believe that people admire her and that she is worthy of unconditional love. She is dreamy and realistic, tough and tender. Alice is the best of both worlds in one formidable package. Disagreeing with Alice is fatal, she don`t budge on her ideas and opinions, sometimes paralyzing those who love her. In her journey to slay the Jabberwocky and save Underland she fights the urge to give in to emotion and might even appear cold at times. Due to this it is easy to confuse her strenght with ruthlessness. Don`t be fooled. When Alice is safe and the Jabberwocky does not lure, she turns into a vulnerable girl in need of love and protection. Very few people ever see this side of Alice, but that is the secret of her magic. Sex with Alice happens as unexpected as her falling through the rabbit hole. It is both a thrilling and a deeply touching experience. The downside is that she might disappear as fast as she appeared, leaving you haunted. If you have loved Alice, you will probably always love Alice.
The Jabberwocky
The Jabberwocky lures her followers using the red queen as bait. She can easily be confused with a handy compatriot and will promise you highs and power you never thought was possible. Unfortunately it is all a trick, she will lure you until you are hooked and then start spewing fire. Trapped and intoxicated you might even burn, until someone saves you. The Jabberwocky is conscienceless and will quietly laugh while she see you burn. She might even make you cum in between. When you see the Jabberwocky, don`t fool yourself! RUN! Don`t be lured, heavens it is Satan! RUN!
The Cheshire Cat
The Cheshire Cat is a softly unpredictable tabby. She might seem absent but she is actually luring in the skies always close enough to jump in just before the Bandersnatch rips of one’s arm. She is a strong sensual individual who values her right to vanish and appears as she wishes. The luck being - she also allows you the space. Chesh is a very loyal puss. Whilst not involving her in interpersonal politics she has unbreakable loyalties, however, she reveals them selectively. Due to her vanishing acts, it is easy to experience her as unreliable, in truth - she is always somewhere close with a lively secretive smile. She is neither loud nor very expressive but one should never underestimate her private musings. She tries very hard to seem aloof and untouchable, but she is everywhere - and contrary to popular belief, she has a beautiful heart. If you like personal space, and want a loyal, calm and very amusing lover - that Cheshire Puss is the one for you!!! Sex with the Cheshire cat should never be under estimated. They seem meek and mild but this cat can become a tiger in bed – and of course tigers have nice and prickly tongues.
Absolem the Caterpillar
You'll find your Absolem somewhere in the sun, having a smoke, dreaming up plans to save the world and brooding on the seemingly mad people around her. Absolem is as honest as a creature may be in Under land. She gives a straightforward answer on deep and intriguing life questions. Never believe that there is something she failed to notice whilst sitting on her Mushroom, smoking. She finds it easy to tell any Alice not matter how divinely beautiful: "You’re not the right Alice, my Alice used to have much more muchness!" She is a passionate, slightly controlling queen of her castle. One can truly rely on her opinion as the most objective one around. Living with Absolem may be harder than initially believed. She is a very comfortable Caterpillar, who will easily order you around whilst take long puffs on her cigarette. Ultimately, loving Absolem the right way might reveal a delightful butterfly come spring time! If you can convince Absolem to get of toadstool – and you have enough muchness, the shag will be worth it.
The Red Queen (aka Queen of hearts)
The red queen is the over dramatic diva whom truly believes she owns the world. There is never a dull moment with the red queen. She is heavily opinionated and do not entertain the possibility that she might be wrong. Being a double D breasted persona she loves sex, and is a very passionate woman. She has problem with red and white thinking, and golly there never an in-between. She is all or nothing lady, she will take ownership of you and rock your world. Living with the Red Queen promises to be a rollercoaster ride. It can be very rewarding, if you are willing to take more than the odd order. A relationship with the red queen promises a sex life much like fireworks (that’s if of course you are willing to be at the bottom).
The Bandersnatch
The Bandersnatch has a very intimidating look. She has short spiky hair, and muscles! She tries to spell “don’t fuck with me” to the world. She does not wear cleavage or skirts, and her shoes says – I don`t need anyone I can fend for myself. The claws are rarely neatly trimmed, and the voice quite husky. The truth about the Bandersnatch is that she is indeed very easily intimidated and always feels the need to defend and protect. She has quite a few secrets, and only those closest to her know the truth about her. The Bandersnatch never goes nude – not even during sex. She simply chews anyone’s hand if they dare to snap her bra! At the inside of the intimidating look she is a vulnerable, insecure, caring being. A Bandersnatch can be the best of friends and the most comforting protective lover. She is a very easy going partner, as long as she feels secure. Oh beware if she suspects that you are cheating. The Bandersnatch usually don`t have the confidence to initiate sex. She will wait patiently praying that you start the magic, and take very personally if you don’t. Lastly, the Bandersnatch is a very helpful friend it can be seriously handy in chasing away all kinds of scavengers.
The White Rabbit
The only possible lover for the white rabbit is a calm, loyal centered being. Someone to curb the anxiety with love. The white rabbit has a heart of gold. She is totally committed to her friends and lovers. The problem is that half the time she so stressed out and bouncing of the walls that no one notices her dedication. Frankly, she just runs too fast for anyone to notice anything. Never be late for an appointment with the White rabbit because she definitely won`t and might think you`re the pits afterwards. Her heart is in the right place but her mind is all over the place. She probably has lists and lists of tasks she is urgently trying to execute to perfection. If you have a white rabbit in your life, you should realize that your approval means the world to her. In fact – that’s actually why she is running like a madman! In fact, it is the only thing that will make her relax! If you are a white rabbit, it`s time to look in the mirror and realize you are pretty little bunny, and in fact a hero in your own sense. Try to stop, think and breathe before you act – the Jabberwocky is not going to slay Alice within the next two minutes. Sleeping with a white rabbit is wonderful, because she will keep doing it until she does it right! Have some mercy for your white rabbit lover and express your appreciation and gratitude over and over! YES ALSO IN BED!
*If you cannot figure out who you are, a questionnaire will follow somewhere in the vast future*
