Trying to fill the Rabbit hole: Internet Dating. The Screaming red queen, jumping without a rope and meeting Desperate2323.

So, the little rabbit hole seems to be wanting and the Red Queen is screaming for some attention.  If you are like me and live in an area with not much of a Lesbian infrastructure the answer is the World Wide Web.  If you have a credit card handy, or are willing to do an electronic transfer, the door to a whole colony of rabbits is magically revealed. 

*eish ask your granny for her credit card, or steal it!*

Today, I have a few tips for us brave warriors of the battlefield, daring to take the leap….into a stranger`s rabbit hole!

 

1.       Most people who are serious about dating will add a picture of themselves for the Lesbo cuntry to enjoy.  Ones without pictures are usually not out of closet, or married.  No, I don`t say ignore the married and the poor closeted bunnies.  Hey, some of us may even prefer them…. Lots of fun secretly pleasuring the missus in Edgars` cloak rooms!  "SSSShhhhhhh Tannie…."

2.        Pictures on dating sites are probably the best stuff any individual have to present.  We all secretly believe, “oh, I will fool them with my looks until I have them addicted to my incredible personality” Sorry to break it to you hunny bunny, she may love your smses, but physical attraction cannot be faked. So, if someone looks:
“ s  substandard, not your type, don’t like noses like that, not into blonds, not sexy enough, too thick lipped, or have a penis attached” steer clear!

You will only get her involved and then need to write the Dear Jill sms…. Not good.

3.     
Don’t be shy to add a picture!  You will attract much more attention! Yes, don`t be shy that IS actually what you want to achieve!

4.       Be a Spy! Have a look at the background and social setting of her profile pic.  If you see strippers, or strange looking poles – realize she works at the Adult club. (It is not that difficult!)  Scrutinize her clothes, her hairstyle and even her hands.  It could tell you a story. Don`t waste your time on someone that is not your cup of tea.  I  for example would be totally discouraged by a profile pic containing a Blue Bull rugby top or a bottle of Black Label.  Read the situation, I`m a dry red wine girl!

5.       Children in profile pics is just fucked.  Report the bloody user.

6.       Kids are a black and white matter.  If the woman don`t want a partner with a kid or two, getting to know your decadent heart and practiced body will not change it.  I have seen too many couples where the woman decided to “try it” and it all goes very rosy as long as you`re in passionate love and the consecutive orgasms make up for the yelling over the cookie jar.  Truth: in three to six months the honeymoon period will be over and your kids will have to deal with a vicious old stepmom that did not want them in the first place.  Don’t Go There, it will make you all miserable and – Your children deserve better. 

7.       Never make your username “Desperate10234”. Why on earth would you want people to know that you are desperate?  There is nothing as unsexy as a hard up, desperate woman that creates the impression “nobody wanted me – so please consider?” I wouldn`t!  Think carefully, what people find attractive and appealing about you.   Stress this.    Rather use a name like: “irresistible teeth” or “One-in-a-million-nose”.  No seriously rather use your dogs` name than “desperate”.

8.       Don`t let your weight bother you too much.  Most women look irresistible if they are well groomed and correctly dressed.  Make it your mission to be irresistible regardless of your weight, crooked teeth etc

9.       Make your intentions clear.  If you are looking for NSA (No strings attached) sex or rather bungeeing down the rabbit hole without a rope, be clear.  Don’t shag Desperate10234`s brains out and then say. Oh but you should have known! Shame on you!

10.   Be wary of people that are not over their ex.  It’s a waste to invest time and sms`es listening to the tragic story over and over again, praying for some pleasure.  All of it just to be told: “Sorry hoor, we have a history I am going back!”  UGH – Start from scratch? Not AGAIN!

11.   When you decide to meet the Internet Date Diva that you have been chatting up for a week or two, look good, feel good, adore yourself – be the queen of the game and be ready to rock the castle.  If you go on a date this way, you will radiate irresistibility and even if the date turns out only to be a friend- your energy would have been contagious and you`d have lots of fun!

12.   When sifting through possibilities, start in your close vicinity. First look for and chat to those delectable lesbians within 50 kilos from your home base.  Fuel is expensive dearies and hormones don’t think!

13.   Check out, when was the last time she logged into her account.  If it’s more than a month ago, sorry dear she`s probably out jumping a brand new rabbit hole right now!  If your name is Desperate23423 – don`t worry love, in a few years she might be back.

14.   When looking for love outside of your close colony ensure it is someone who would, either be able to move to you (look at the job!) or someone who lives in a place you may enjoy moving to. Darlings, long distance relationships are for Hollywood.  In real life you want to be close to those titties!

15.   Watch carefully when you meet her, don`t keep fiddling with and flirting if it’s clear she’s not reciprocating! Your name is NOT “desperate12234”!  

16.   Talk to your date-to be.  Communicate eagerly, show her you are interested.  Keep her attention, remember: There are hundreds of other`s that might be trying to chat her up as well.  Make sure you are the funniest, sharpest, most available, open option.  Now, don`t be sorry to see her go if you took three hours to answer every time she sms`es you!

17.   Think outside of the rabbit hole. There a fabulous options for threesomes out there, if it is your cup of tea, pour some more and more and more!

18.   Don`t thrust your tongue down her throat on the first date.. A teasing kiss is in order, but don`t put your tongue in your mouth unless she is clearly VERY hot for you. Don`t causer her to order your Red Queen out of the Room (it`s a crime you know!). No is No.

19.   Have a fun first date.  If you need to have some catharsis about your ex, go see a shrink. Dates should be pleasurable! Have a tea party, eat some cake to shrink your date, and laugh your ass off!

If you are unsuccessful and the Red Queen is still screaming, please revert to my article on masturbation.

The world is your playground just be fabulous enough take the leap…. Down the rabbit hole (or holes) you go.  You should be good on holes by now!  Now GO!! You’re not getting any younger you know!  

KISSES en SOENE (SONDER DIE BLEDDIE TONG)

 Darefairy

Best Internet dating sites:

www.gaydating.co.za (By far the very best, lots of girls, extensive profiles – effective, oh yeah!)

www.mambagirl.co.za (not lots of options but a fabulous social site)

www.gaydargirls.co.za (5/10) naaah…

www.flirtcamp.co.za (offers a list  to sms at R2 per sms, you`ll probably send 20 smses and get 1 reply. )

The Lesbian, the Witch and the Wardrobe: Dealing with the closet in social situations.

My mom regularly says:  “she is so deep in the closet they will need a torch to find her”.  For years now I have imagined a Narnia like situation. The closet doors lead to this lesbian Utopia where all women are hot, hungry and waiting. Just when I decide to indulge in a sea of sexiness I see my mom with her wild fiery red hair and my fathers` enormous black torch rushing in behind me. She chases me out with a sordid looking pink slipper repeating something obscene.  (My mother has always been a bit of a white rabbit.)

Getting out of the closet (or being caught in there with your pants down) is however not a lighthearted matter for us gay folks.  What we rarely realize, is that we spend our lives repeatedly coming out of the closet and the sooner we find a way to deal with it, the happier we will be.  The first big step is usually our family.  Without doubt however, we repeatedly find ourselves in other situations where we need to explain our circumstances.  To some of us it can be a mere irritation, but to others it can make us shy, socially anxious, self conscious and plainly embarrassed. The easiest way to relieve this pain is to alter our thinking. 

So you start out at a new job, your colleague wants to know where your husband works.  Eventually after uncomfortably ducking questions people stop asking questions, but start whispering to each other.  The truth is:  they are slightly fascinated by people different from themselves.  The standard lesbian reaction would be to feel belittled, embarrassed, exposed, and dirty and inevitably denying oneself the pleasure of relaxed social interaction at the office.  Frankly, this is not a healthy way to deal with it at all!  Too many lesbians are only friends with other lesbians and never allow a straight soul close to them.  Many times, this seems to be the reason.   So – how do we deal with questions in a social situation differently?

Plainly: You look the old lady in the eye, and say: “I don`t have a husband dear, I have a beautiful girlfriend who works at the hospital”.  Trust me; you will not be the one who is embarrassed. To be able to do this you need to realize a few things. 

Firstly, you should know that it`s up to me and you to teach society to stop assuming that heterosexuality (or marriage) is the only norm.  The quicker we teach the world that being gay is just a normal variable (much like eye colour) the better for ourselves.  By the way, lots of hetero couples just co-habit so the Tannie should learn to ask: “where does your partner work?”  After all, we do live in the most liberal democracy in the world, and people should start acting the part. 

 Secondly, we owe it to ourselves to stop being shy about something that is not shameful.  It is not the old lady that is making you ashamed – it is yourself.  Reacting to it like it is an embarrassment teaches ignorant people that it is something to be embarrassed about.  Teach them the truth.  Truth, being that women loving women is a beautiful, sensual and sacred sexuality.  We are intimate, loving, supportive and intense beings.  A relationship between women is usually something with lots of integrity and emotional bonding.  The perception you create by being shy, is that there are actually something to be shy about.  

Thirdly, we should realize that heterosexual relationships are not superior to homosexual relationships.   Chances are that in her marriage the tannie has experienced, verbal- or physical violence, emotional absence, loneliness, infidelity, substance abuse etc.  She does not go around feeling shy that she has a husband, even if her marriage is hard to sustain and filled with issues that she would never want to reveal to the world.  All human relationships is fallible, neither yours, nor hers will be perfect, so stop feeling inferior, you should probably count your blessings (at least you have bloody closet to hide in!)

Most people are bisexual.  Yes, she may not admit it to you (yet), but it is a scientific fact that sexuality ranges on a scale from 1 to 6.  It changes as circumstances changes, and chances are that both the tannie and/or a close loved one has thought about or experienced kinkiness with someone of the same sex.  If you deal with the revelations in the right way – you will be surprised how quickly your colleagues will share their experiences

.

So next time she asks about your husband, smile nicely, think of that wonderful lesbian Utopia (that you would not swop for the tannie`s hubby) – and get some pride in your bones!   Trust me, in future she will use that torch to peek over the cubicle wall into your exotic cuntry.  Don`t forget to note the blink of envy in her eyes.  Not everyone is so gutsy about what they need as you turned out to be.

Whether you go down the rabbit hole to Under land, or through the wardrobe into a world of  lesbian love, don`t let the witch catch you with your pants down, but proudly parade them all over ((even if they were bought at Markhams))!  Finally, remember to turn on the light so they don`t need the torch to envy you when they  peek!

Proudly Lesbian Kisses

Darefairy